


Flawless

by incrqdible



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: After 2x18, Deckerstar - Freeform, Deckerstar angst, Deckerstar comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Past Abuse, deckerstar fluff, lucifer's trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28730364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incrqdible/pseuds/incrqdible
Summary: Continuation of Deckerstar's story after the beach scene in 2x18.
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Lucifer Morningstar, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 10
Kudos: 99





	1. Wide Eyed

**Author's Note:**

> hi! please read :)
> 
> first of all, thank you so much ava for reading and rewriting some bits and making it so much better (ava's twitter @mslaurengerman, instagram @deckerstans) <3 english isn't my first language so i needed a little support with that.
> 
> i wrote a sort of one-shot a while ago so that makes this my second fan fiction. i want to get into the depths of deckerstar and really make this story about their development without an ''actual'' plot. this takes place after everything that happened in 2x18. to be fair i don't really have an idea, yet, where this story will go nor how many chapters it will be. though if you have ideas and/or suggestions, feel free to dm me on my twitter or instagram. both my @'s are @incrqdible.
> 
> the chapters itself won't be that long and will be mainly focused on one or a few specific moment(s). i choose to wipe out season 3, 4 and 5 in my mind and continue with 2x18 because i loved that beach scene and it'd be fun to put my own ideas into a story (what would've happened if pierce wasn't there etc, etc.)
> 
> The title of this story is inspired by the song ''flawless'' by the neighbourhood. i'll be naming chapters after certain songs because when i write i normally put my deckerstar playlist on ;) it's definitely worth it to check out the songs i name my chapters after.
> 
> i hope you enjoy reading! leave as many comments and/or tips as you want. i'd be happy to receive any <3

**_Lucifer sighed, stumbling over his own words._ **

****

**_‘’Cause at this point: you either trust me or you don’t,’’ she said, shaking her head._ **

****

**_‘’Detective, I trust you-‘’ Lucifer quickly threw in – frustrated - before he got interrupted by Chloe._ **

****

**_‘’Look, if you think that I wouldn’t forgive you for your mistakes, or your flaws…’’_ **

****

**_She paused for a moment while Lucifer stared at her in confusion._ **

****

**_‘’If you think that I don’t know who you really are by now, you’re wrong.’’_ **

****

-

His mistakes and flaws. She didn’t even know half of those.

Of course, the Detective was special and all, but no one had ever entirely forgiven him for what he had done. Not even his siblings, or his... Dad. Though what _did_ he really do that was _so_ bad he ‘needed’ forgiveness? Start a rebellion because he was sick and tired of playing a part in God’s play? To be fair Lucifer did not need nor want forgiveness. Not from anyone. It was quite a stupid concept anyway. Lucifer sighed heavily, trying to untangle his conflicted thoughts on the matter. It was confusing.

Because, when he started thinking deeper, went past his ego: Lucifer, in some way, wanted… forgiveness? He knew it may have been the wrong word to use, reason being that that specific word still bothered him. At least he knew he desired _something._ But he simply could not wrap his head around what it was. Acceptance sounded good, but not quite right. What the hell did he need to be accepted for? He had dealt with people throwing insults at him all his life. Not being accepted was not something that really bothered him either. Acceptance, according to him, was not something he desperately _needed_. Linda had explained to him that he was in denial, with more things than one; but Lucifer did not want to face his denials, fears, flaws or anything that went in the direction of exposing what was underneath the carefully crafted facade he had made for himself all those thousands of years ago. So he set them aside and pretended they were not even there.

Still, it was difficult for him to acknowledge that there was a piece missing. A piece that had been in his heart for a short moment of his life. At the beginning of his existence it was present. Then that piece vanished when he was cast out. And nowadays, hints of nostalgia regularly washed over him; when he was with Chloe, for example. Was the piece love? Was it the _ability_ of _knowing_ someone cared for you? At this point he felt like he only had himself. Which, in his eyes, was not necessarily a bad thing. He had learnt to be there for himself. In his eyes, that was all one needed. According to Linda: well… he needed to see a few things differently, put simply. It was complicated. Linda had explained that it was good to be satisfied with yourself in a way that you are capable of existing without another’s presence. Although, on the other hand he was lonely. And is that a bad thing? So, he now needed to surround himself with people? The complexities of these emotions did not make sense to Lucifer.

Forgiveness.

What Chloe had made it sound like…- Plus the other things she said… It made him reconsider how he looked at that word. Did Chloe somewhat mean she accepted him? Even though he made mistakes, had flaws… _Dad_ , tons of flaws; for Lucifer it was difficult to see things through other people’s eyes. After all, rather egotistically said, he had only really taken a look at himself. And not even his emotions. So, how in the world could he understand the way someone else meant something, only confusing him? Lucifer wasn’t going to lie: it was sort of entertaining, figuring out what someone was trying to say. Nonetheless, it was tiring to constantly think about it. He kept denying that he was thinking way too much, but Linda could see the exhaustion all over his face.

Although, according to her, this was not overthinking. It was progress, allowing him to better access and understand his deep emotions himself, without blaming it on others. Right now, it’s not like there’s anyone to blame it on, anyway. It made him feel lonely - the fact he was alone now - not the fact he had no one to blame it on. He was not _that_ much of an asshole. But Lucifer knew he did that too often: blaming others. Yet, he did and would not admit it, ever. The more he talked with Linda, the more experiences he had with Chloe; which the more he realized that a hell of a lot of blame was on himself. However this didn’t have anything to do with humans putting their blames on the “Devil”. No, this was just about him and his own blame. Events he actually caused because of his own actions that he did not want to, or felt the need to, acknowledge.

Since literally forever, Lucifer still had not realized that others were not always to blame. At least, Lucifer said he had not realized. Obviously, he wasn’t clueless. There was something deep buried inside him. Was it self-hatred? Refusing to apologize? Refusing to take matters into own hands when it came to mistakes _he_ made? This was something Lucifer genuinely did not even think about, but Linda did. Chloe did. Lucifer clearly had difficulties with emotions and everything that came with it. What he wasn’t completely clueless about was the fact that he knew he made mistakes too. His flaws? Those he knew. People told him about his flaws all the time. People like Amenadiel, or even Maze. People had punished him for those flaws. He had been thrown out of Heaven for them. His own mistakes were difficult to acknowledge. Hell, it was easier to just burden someone else with it. Transfer the blame from himself and just plant it on others.

Linda knew Lucifer was smart. She also knew Lucifer was conscious of himself. More than he would like to admit. But he would rather hide it; with the drinks, the alcohol, the music, the sex. On the surface, if you looked at their sessions, it could seem like Lucifer was just an arrogant, selfish, not so open-minded dumbass. The things he said were not always… logical. On the inside, however, is a whole other story. ‘Cause let’s keep it clear, Lucifer is the Devil. And Linda damn well knew it. His past was traumatic, and Linda guessed it was the cause of a sizable portion of his ‘issues’.

Lucifer stood on his balcony, glass of whisky in hand. He coughed, and his trembling mouth began to speak.

‘’I can’t anymore, Father,’’ he whispered. Lucifer felt terribly weak right now, but he had to get it off his chest, even though he was fairly certain his Father wasn’t listening. Was he ever?

‘’I keep on disappointing everyone. I just- I don’t _want to_ anymore. I want to be good. _Truly_ good. For her, for the urchin.’’

He looked down when he felt his eyes glowing red.

‘’But I guess I can’t, eh? Aren’t I evil? The reason of every bad thing that happens?’’ his whisper turned into a growl. It was moments like this where he let his emotions take over him. Everything he would always deny suddenly became real to him and he couldn’t excuse his emotions or actions anymore.

‘’Every bloody time that I mess up, I get reminded that’s what always _will_ happen. Just a continuation of events because I’m the Devil. Because _you_ decided I was. You spit me out, didn’t even look after me. Unlike Your other children. Why was I any different? Tell me!’’

He wanted to hiss ‘coward’. Yet he did not, and somehow managed to control himself, because if Lucifer was being completely honest with himself, he convinced himself he was the coward here. He scoffed, and shook his head.

‘’Because I led a rebellion? C’mon!’’ Lucifer yelled and threw a hand in the air.

“It was eons ago. Is it just me or can’t I even bloody remember what actually was so bad you cast me out? As if Michael was that much better. As if all those ‘little’ arguments and fights between my brothers and sisters didn’t even happen. But, I stood out as always. Should I take it as a bloody compliment or what?’’

His eyes started to water, so he furiously wiped at his eyes.

‘’Now you pretend like I’m not even here! Doesn’t differ that much from how you’ve always behaved. But the minute you backed off, _left_ me, my-‘’

He inhaled deeply, debating on whether he should shout ‘my hatred for you really started growing’. He decided not to.

‘’Don’t you realize, _Dad_ , that you stuffed up your own bloody _son_? I can’t let anyone in because I’m petrified that the moment I do, the moment I let myself be vulnerable around them… they’ll throw me aside. Because if my own Father is capable of doing that, then why wouldn’t they?‘’

Even though he tried to stop himself from crying, a tear escaped his red eyes. What had happened on the beach between him and Chloe had brought those fears back. All of it was a blur. Everything that was said or happened floated in the back of his mind. He could not think clearly anymore. It was all His fault anyway. A wicked voice inside him reminded him that this was his denial and selfishness speaking, something he needed to control himself for, but he ignored it and pushed it aside. Tried to mute the voices.

He threw back the rest of his whisky and turned around, stopping abruptly, his heart sinking.

A soft ‘’Hey…’’ escaped her mouth.

Chloe stood in the depths of his penthouse, looking a little startled. 

‘’I didn’t want to interrupt, I-‘’

He walked towards her, chuckling bitterly.

‘’I’ve only been standing here for a few seconds. I was about to tell you when you finished speaking. I’m sorry if it seemed like-‘’

She was interrupted by Lucifer who walked to her and placed a warm hand on her shoulder.

‘’Stop talking, darling, don’t you worry. It’s okay. Though I might admit that I am a little surprised you’re here… Even a little embarrassed.’’ He smiled. Painfully, almost, because his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Before she had time to take a good look at him, he withdrew his hand and sat down at his piano. He started playing a beautiful melody, but it quickly turned into something much darker. He mumbled some vague lyrics under his breath. Sometimes he smiled, but it didn’t look right to Chloe. The look on his whole face seemed off.

‘’Are- are you okay, though?’’ she asked softly. ‘’I mean, I don’t want to sound as if I’m interfering with what you were talking about on the balcony. I didn’t really pay attention and I wasn’t even really listening and- ’’ Chloe said, struggling to get her sentences right. She wasn’t exactly sure if her explanation was that clear. She just wanted to make sure that he knew she wasn’t trying to invade his privacy or force her way into an aspect of his life in a way that he wasn’t ready for. He shook his head while he continued playing. Chloe took that more as a ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ than an explicit ‘No, I’m not okay’.

‘’Should I leave, or?‘’ Chloe hesitantly suggested.

‘’Please, sit,’’ Lucifer offered with a smile. He looked up and for the first time Chloe observed him for a bit. As she walked towards him she saw he’d been crying. His eyes were still a little red and, God, the pain that she saw in them was impossible to ignore.

She sat down on the bench and looked at how his large but elegant hands stroked the black and white keys. Though Chloe was exhausted, she didn’t want to leave him just yet. Slowly, she let her head rest against his shoulder. She felt him immediately tense his arms, but eventually, his muscles relaxed under her touch.

‘’It’s getting late. Should you be going home, Detective?’’ Lucifer suggested quietly as he finished his song. He shifted his body a little towards her, which caused Chloe to lift her head from its very comfortable position on his shoulder.

‘’Do you need me to leave?’’ she asked softly.

‘’You have offspring and such, don’t you?’’

She nodded, recognising he needed time alone, and stood up from the piano bench. When she reached the elevator, she turned around. Chloe saw him hesitate as his hands moved to another position on his piano. His fingers hovered above the keys, but he didn’t press them.

‘’Hey, um-‘’

He turned his head around, giving her a soft but weak smile. As if he didn’t have the energy to try. She knew he didn’t. And Chloe didn’t blame him for that. It became clear that he was going through something when she entered the penthouse. She didn’t pick up much of what he was saying, no yelling, actually. It sounded angry, but his voice was also shaking. Which was a sign he was on the edge of crying. And she could see he had. She didn’t know what else to say other than the words she’d repeated multiple times over their partnership- and friendship, she stepped forward a little.

‘’I’m here for you, alright? I hope you know that.’’

Without saying anything else she turned around and hesitantly walked into the elevator. Lucifer just blinked a few times. His smile didn’t widen, nor did it decrease. He kept completely still until the elevator doors started moving.

‘’I know, dear.’’


	2. Let You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Chloe left the penthouse Lucifer started to notice that he was slowly losing himself. The voices were back again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a long time since i wrote something, i'm sorry for that.   
> though i hope you enjoy this chapter. it's feelings, feelings and more feelings :')  
> thank you madi for being my beta with this chapter!! (their twitter is ASTR0ZOMBIEZ)

**_‘’I thought I raised my children differently, to be fair. You disappointed me, son. Disrespecting me for your own pride? Leading a rebellion against me? You should have obeyed me. Michael did; everyone did. You were the first to say ‘no’ and you should be punished for that._ **

****

**_Heavily.’’_ **

****

**_-_ **

Since Chloe left, he hadn’t even touched his piano. Lucifer felt miserable just sitting there and staring at it without touching the keys. He desperately wanted to play something, anything, but he simply couldn’t. Everything was too loud. The _voices_ were too loud, drowning him from the inside out. And suddenly he had no control over any of it.

**_‘’I’m here for you.’’_ **

****

Okay, yeah, he knew that and appreciated it. He obviously appreciated _her_ , but what the hell was he supposed to do with those words? No one had ever been there for him. Maze, perhaps. Though at this point he knew people were bloody excellent at pretending.

Overthinking, there it was again. And he loathed it.

Out of nowhere, a thought came up to go to Chloe’s. Maybe he shouldn’t… He wasn’t exactly stable right now, and he didn’t want to be a burden to her. Ever. Then what was the reason she had become some kind of comfort to him? Because this was definitely something he hadn’t experienced before. This feeling. This desperation to be with someone when you were lost in your own thoughts.

Nonetheless, wasn’t that what that phrase meant? Did she mean physically or emotionally when she mentioned multiple times that she was there for him? Perhaps both? Lucifer sighed deeply because his thoughts only perplexed him more and more.

Let’s say he would open up, for once. Let’s say he would let it all out.

He would sit there, talking and whatnot, without saying what’s actually bothering you because the person who’s there for you would start to think that you’re insane or too much to handle. All the “metaphors” he’d use, it was clear there was a line and he would certainly cross it when he would explain what actually happened that day. He couldn’t even think about telling her about the voices, and most importantly: _His_ voice. It would all be too much for Chloe, and if there’s one thing he wouldn’t ever want to do to her is overstep a boundary that she had somewhat explained already. Even if she didn’t directly say it, he knew his “metaphors” became exhausting. And he was wondering when she would be completely done with him if he continued like this. It would mean the end of their friendship, purely because Lucifer was a crybaby and couldn’t keep some issues to himself? This was pathetic. Why did he even think about opening up to someone? Chloe would have no idea whatsoever on how to deal with him. And that’s what bothered him too. The fact that he would never be taken seriously, even though it was his own fault. So he wouldn’t ever even try again to explain. It wouldn’t help for even a single bit.

He got off the piano bench and headed towards his bed. Partying at Lux wouldn’t cheer him up. Not now. Not now that he’s in the most complicated situation ever. And only because he couldn’t make sense of his own damn thoughts. What was so complicated about all this, anyway? The sudden voices only got louder each minute, that was all. He guessed that might’ve been the reason for him being upset without an actual direct explanation. It was infuriating. It drove him insane. The whole situation at the beach would’ve never impacted him this much if it wasn’t for the voices that entered his mind and burdened him without mercy.

**_‘’I’m not leaving, Mum!’’_ **

****

He really wasn’t going to, was he?

He took off his clothes and got into bed. Alone.

-

When she headed home she wasn’t feeling satisfied at all with how she left. He did say “I know, _dear._ ’’ But what exactly had that meant? Especially coming from _him_ , since Chloe herself even knew that Lucifer didn’t always understand his own emotions.

Leaving him alone was probably for the best at the moment. Though, wouldn’t a man like him need company, especially now? She knew he wasn’t very open about anything, not at all. But what she knew for sure was that he masks a lot of thoughts and emotions and is damn good at it. It didn’t matter that he barely shared, it mattered that she noticed that he pushed his inner emotions away and bottled them up. And that’s where it goes wrong. Not being open was something she had herself. Hiding things, for others, fine. Hiding things for yourself? Pushing your thoughts and emotions away so you basically live in a state of denial? God, that only did more damage. She was certain he was doing it right at the very moment, and it saddened her. And was it so bad that he couldn't share with her? Friends are supposed to be each other’s support systems no matter what. 

She wasn’t sure what had happened at the beach, but she decided to just leave it. There would be a time where he would trust her enough. He couldn’t even trust himself, according to what Chloe saw. He didn’t even have enough faith to open up to himself. He was not an easy person to read, but for some weird reason, she _saw_ him. Really saw him. Flaws and all.

A voice deep inside her kept reminding her she was denying something herself. To be honest, yes, Lucifer was pretty… you know, broken. It was obvious. Especially to her. But how? Since when? And most importantly: why?

What or _who_ was the reason that he became this persona full of metaphors?

She wouldn’t ever say it to him but she was losing her patience. He was her _friend._ Why hadn’t he trusted her by now? After all the things they went through together. What did she really know about him, exactly? He didn’t fucking exist until a few years ago, and he legally had the name of the damned _Devil._

Not trying to make fun of Lucifer and everything, but how in the world did she end up working with him? An eclectic, rich club owner and a divorced mother- polar opposites. He had sneaked his way into the police station, into the murders, into becoming some sort of comfort to her. Because he’d always helped her. Of course, they were friends too. Perhaps more. Though that really wasn’t something she wanted to think about now. They were past that. It seemed that way, at least.

Resting on someone’s shoulder when they play the piano is something _completely_ platonic, right?

-

Seven missed calls.

_Seven._ Now _that_ sounded absurd to him. Her being there for him became a bit of a stretch, didn’t it? Since when did Chloe put so much effort into trying to contact him? Who would care this much for the devil?

He lazily got out of bed and put on some sweatpants. Yes, the Devil wore sweatpants. Sometimes… when no one was watching. It was actually quite comfortable. Lucifer decided to leave the shirt and feel the morning sun on his bare chest when he stood on the balcony. He breathed in the fresh air, then yawned and slowly walked to the bar to pour himself a glass of water. Yes, _water._ He didn’t know what the hell his problem was since it was just morning but apparently water was on his mind right now. Even though the penthouse looked beautiful, as always, he only wandered through it. Glass of water in his hand, not even drinking it, while he walked through the penthouse. It was only morning and the voices already began. The memories were already there. And still, he was confused because why now? He’d never _asked_ for them. He’d never even thought about his traumatic events from his past. He had never thought about pathetic memories that he wanted to forget. The point of forgetting is to not bloody remember any of it. But his brain didn’t seem to acknowledge it. Why was it memories that happened months, years, or even eons ago?

**_‘’This is real, isn’t it?’’_ **

Had he really bloody said that? It was the cheesiest thing he ever heard, and besides that, it wasn’t even-

His phone rang. Lucifer decided to just get over himself and pick it up, shouldn’t be too difficult now, should it?

‘’Yes?’’ he softly groaned.

‘’Lucifer? Are you alright?’’ a worrying voice began to speak.

He chuckled lightly, shaking his head. He took a sip of the tasteless water and put it down immediately. Then Lucifer inhaled and pulled himself together before the Detective noticed something, or whatever. Creepily, she was quite good at that.

‘’Yes, of course.’’

‘’Well, why haven’t you returned my calls? Why aren’t you at work?’’

He sighed again and searched for the right words.

‘’Oh, just- don’t worry about me- just taking a day off. I’ll see you later, Detective.’’

He heard her ramble some words before he rudely hung up. He shook his head.

**_‘’So… none of it was real?’’_ **

-

This wasn’t like him at all.

There were two options that Chloe was considering as she sat at her desk. While she looked through her files her mind went somewhere else. Obviously, it had to be with her idiot of a partner who, out of nowhere, decided to drop his ego and leave her hanging. Just like that. Since when was that his intention?

Not showing up at work for no reason at all wasn’t like him. He’d always had a somewhat decent reason. He almost always explained his intentions, too. Now he didn’t. And that definitely worried her. Her friend would always deny that there was something wrong, and he even tried his fucking best to hide it. Did he forget she wasn’t _that_ dumb? Yesterday evening was still fresh in her memory. She couldn’t suddenly forget that: how she had walked in on him. It had to do with this. It just had to.

On the other hand, it was like him. Every time Lucifer pulled something like this– which rarely happened– it was because he was going through some shit that he wouldn’t ever open up about. He’d always, for some horrible reason, thrown it on him being the “Devil”. Why would anyone ever want to be associated with Satan? Nobody would want to be compared to the vilest, evilest, horrific monster in the universe.

But him being him was too easy of an answer. Especially since what happened last night. Even that was weird and not like him. Not the regular Lucifer, at least. Or did she not know him well enough? Was there something huge she was missing? And what the hell was he planning to do with his day off?

Even though he loved his club, the women and men, the alcohol, etc., he would never not show up at work just because he wanted to stay at Lux. It never happens, so why now, especially after yesterday? That couldn’t be a coincidence. After all, she didn’t quite understand what had happened at either the beach or the balcony. She just wanted to know the truth.

**_‘’But you can’t understand, Detective. And you never will.’’_ **

****

Her heart warmed in her chest when she thought of the fact that he’d rather help her with the “boring” paperwork than be at his own home. She knew how much he hated it; he never hid his feelings on that. But she knew he would do it for her. She would never say it out loud, though. He would just say something about how his ego and his “devilish reputation” would be bruised. So this made her more worried than ever. Suddenly he _didn’t_ choose her.

-

At the end of the day, he was sick of it. Sick of everything. He had basically thrown this whole day away, laying on the bloody couch, mindlessly flipping through the TV channels and overthinking. He could’ve helped her. But he was too much of a coward. How could he escape his thoughts?

He had an idea.

He stood up from the couch and walked towards his closet. For a minute he looked through his suits and then decided to pick an all-black one. His little trip wouldn’t precisely be to show himself off.

When he got in his corvette, he blasted some music to quiet down the voices. Staring into the dark night he drove through the city, desiring to be at the one place that oddly made him feel at peace. Deep inside he knew he was being reckless, and just plain _stupid._

He’d started drinking. And even though alcohol had no effect on him, everything that came with it, the drowning in thoughts while only laying down: he did feel drunk… or empty. He also felt loose. Too loose. And it wasn’t like him. Though it has happened a few times before, it still terrified him. Because he sure as hell didn't want to feel like that again. Yet here he was.

His hair was just curls, and aside from his perfectly splendid suit, he looked exhausted. His eyeliner was messy, still from the day before, which made his brown eyes look dark and filled with void.

The thoughts became painful. Lucifer wasn’t imagining the sting in his heart that he felt. It hurt every time He yelled something again that reminded him of… basically everything.

When he arrived at the place he got out of the car and walked on the sand until he got close to the edge where the water was. He looked up to the deep black sky. All the pollution made it virtually impossible for him to see his beautiful stars he once created, many lifetimes ago. No, he wasn’t going to yell again. That’d be pathetic. Simply look, feel the wind, smell the beach, hear the waves.

It took him long enough, but then just like that, he dropped to his knees, sand clinging to his dress pants immediately. He buried his hands in his hair, eventually covering his whole face. There was no escaping his thoughts. The memories were still there. And they would always be if His bloody voice didn’t stop yelling in his ear.

**_‘’- and you should be punished for that. Heavily.’’_ **

****

Why him? It was always bloody _him_. No, he wasn’t playing the damn victim, everyone else did. All the humans did. They should be self-reflective for once. He wasn’t responsible for all their sins?

Yet here he was. Sobbing like a child because his own father rejected him. Because he got blamed for all the small things that happened to his family. But of course he would get condemned; his name means venom of God, after all. Who else would take the fall? How sad.

Since when did flashbacks enter his mind out of nowhere. It had never happened before, had it? Or had he, back then, simply pushed them away?

While he cried on the beach - his comfort place, in some way he could not describe - his phone rang again. He got pulled out of his misery and was present in the moment again. He didn’t care to wipe his tears away or clear his throat.

‘’Is something wrong, Detective?’’

For a few seconds, it was silent. Then she returned his question, her voice raspy and she sounded worried. ‘Course she was. He’d bloody ignored her all day. What a great fucking partner and friend he was.

‘’I- No, no everything’s fine. Just checking up on you since you kind of left me hanging without an explanation.’’

‘’My apologies, Detective. That wasn’t my int-”

His voice faltered. Duh, it wasn’t his intention, yet he did all of it anyway. This wouldn’t make her feel any better, because what could she do about it?

“You know what, never mind. I’m sorry.’’

His voice was still shaking from his silent crying. He didn’t care. He just didn’t care anymore. Everything was so extremely tiring. Trying to shut down the voices was harder than he thought.

‘’Lucifer, are you at the… the beach?’’

‘’What? How did you know-‘’

He supposed the ocean sounds weren’t hard to ignore.

‘’Oh, well, I suppose I am,’’ he said smiling. Painfully.

‘’It’s 11pm!’’ she exclaimed.

‘’So?’’ he asked, chuckling again and smiling through the discomfort of the situation. It made him way too conscious of how he acted all day. And how he sounded now. He sounded pathetic.

‘’Stay where you are.’’

And without another word, she hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i'm so excited to continue this story so stay tuned <3


	3. Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe meets Lucifer on the beach as she realizes the situation's worse than she thought at first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, a huge thank you to madi for reading my chapter and making sure it was ready to be posted <3 (twitter, ASTR0ZOMBIEZ) i actually really liked writing this chapter especially with the conversations between lucifer and chloe. i hope you enjoy! :)

‘’The beach really is our place, huh?’’

Somewhere in the distance, Lucifer heard something, but he was too lost in his own thoughts. His mind kept him from being aware of his surroundings. It was as if his mind had taken over control.

He was still on his knees in the sand and he had his hands in his neck. Sometimes he looked up, and a tear would roll down his cheek. He just couldn’t stop crying for some reason and it frustrated him. As a result, the tears kept coming without shame. 

‘’Lucifer?’’

The voice was clearer now it came closer. Yet he didn’t have the energy to have a response. The footsteps were near. When he heard his name again, multiple times, he stopped breathing for a moment.

That’s right; Chloe had told him to stay where he was. Obviously, that meant that she would come to the beach. Their beach.

When a hand got placed on his shoulder he tensed under the sudden touch. He was too embarrassed to even turn his head around. He buried his hands in his hair. What could he even accomplish with that? Hide?

‘’What the hell is going on?’’

When he didn’t react at all she walked around him and stood in front of him. He refused to look at her, so she got on her knees too, not caring about the sand. For a few minutes, she just gazed at him.

He was shaking. Uncontrollably. Damn, she has never seen him in such a miserable and emotional state. This Lucifer wasn't the normal Lucifer she sees at work- the eclectic, nightclub owner with a cocky attitude and over-the-top personality. This Lucifer was raw and damaged and exposed and vulnerable. Both Lucifers had something in common- he was her friend. She should and _had_ to do something about this. She had to, somewhat, fix him. It wasn’t normal to be at the beach at 11pm, sitting on your knees; simply being a wreck. He hadn’t moved a single limb.

When Chloe started to get a bit restless, she moved closer to him. She took his hands out of his hair and placed them on his knees, together with her own hands wrapped around his. He couldn’t possibly continue to _not_ look at her.

She waited, eventually clearing her throat.

‘’Will you please look at me,’’ she said softly, not wanting to startle him.

Slowly he turned his head so he was facing her. When their eyes met her heart sunk to the ground. His eyes were a void of pain and misery and nothing else. It was saying something that she could read his eyes just like that even though the sky was all black. Though there was a dim light coming from the streets not so far from the beach. A sparkle in his dark eyes was nowhere to be seen.

He glanced at her for a few seconds and looked down again.

But Chloe wouldn’t let him. She let his hands go and held up his chin, then she cupped his face. He smiled weakly.

‘’I don’t want you to see me like this.’’

His voice shook with every word of that sentence, and Chloe started to feel his pain herself. And besides that, he felt discomfort and embarrassment. Nevertheless, that wasn’t necessary since she was there for him through all times. He needed her right now even if he would never admit it.

‘’Do _I_ look like I care about how _you_ look right now?’’

When she saw him nod slightly - just enough so she’d pick up his answer – she knew she had to take him home. This wasn’t Lucifer.

-

They drove to Chloe’s house in her own car, they’d figure something out how to get his corvette to the penthouse. He’d been quiet the whole time. She couldn’t exactly describe it as an uncomfortable silence. For as a ‘’Fine, I’ll let you take care of me. Do whatever you want, I don’t care’’ silence.

Which was heartbreaking, yet made her feel hopeful.

Before they’d gotten into her car she’d shaken off all the sand of his suit while he just stood there and let it happen. Every once in a while he’d mutter something. It sounded desperate but bitter at the same time. Still, Chloe couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. It was quite hard since he wasn’t giving anything away of what was going on inside his head. As closed as he normally is, this was something Chloe hadn’t experienced with Lucifer. This Lucifer was either talking to himself or not at all.

Chloe wanted to break the silence. At least try to.

‘’Should I put on some music? You like David Bowie, am I right?’’

He nodded no.

‘’I do like Bowie, yes,’’ he mumbled under his breath.

All this time he was staring through the window outside. Lucifer not wanting to put on music was also very worrying to Chloe. What _did_ he need, then?

He never continued to say anything. He was simply lost in his own world. Chloe decided to carefully put her hand on his leg, stroking it with her thumb. His own arms were crossed, resting on his chest. Chloe noticed him slightly turning his head to look at her hand. Though she hoped he’d smile, grin, just _anything_ that gave her a hint of Lucifer, he looked away again.

Nothing. He’d become nothing.

-

When she opened the door she forgot for a second that she’d already brought Trixie to Dan, so she asked Lucifer to wait outside for a bit. When she stepped into her house she looked around and remembered she was at her Dad’s.

‘’Come inside,’’ she offered.

When she turned around and saw him waiting on the doorstep her heart sank once again. It was the way he stood there, hands in his pockets, head hanging, his breathing uneven, that made her feel so wounded for him. He looked so fragile. Weak, even.

She opened her arm as an invitation for him to enter her house.

‘’Lucifer?’’

Just like that, he was in the moment again. He faced her – still with no expressions whatsoever – and slowly walked through the door. He stopped when he was next to Chloe, waiting for her commands. She put his arm around his waist and guided him to her couch. It was better that she wouldn’t say too much either. He needed space, but comfort nevertheless.

She would be there for him, but she would give him time.

She knew he’d want a scotch, but now it was her turn to decide for him. Hopefully, he’d loosen up over time as he was here, with her. Maybe he had some sort of attack? Chloe had absolutely no idea. But from personal experience, she knew sometimes she would also feel locked in a cage, and it would feel as if she was floating off the world, only in her head.

Eventually, it would be okay. So that meant Lucifer would be okay.

‘’Take a blanket, if you want,’’ Chloe said while she returned to the kitchen. Yes, she was going to make him tea. If he wanted to or not. Apart from his hands, even his _suit_ was cold. Tea wasn’t the worst thing in the world to a club-owner now, was it?

When she entered the living room Lucifer had settled on the couch, and he, indeed, had taken the blanket. Why did he have to look so adorable? It was wrong to think that when she knew he was feeling anything but cute.

When he noticed what she was holding in his hand his eyes widened.

‘’Tea?’’

She laughed softly, not wanting to overwhelm him. Though inside her heart skipped a beat. He finally said something.

‘’Yeah. And you’re going to drink it. You have to warm up,’’ she said helpfully as she sat down next to him.

‘’You’re probably cold too, aren’t you? You don’t have to act shy all of sudden, Detective.’’

There he was.

A little piece of him at least. It was just the sentences themselves that he said. His expressions were still minimal and the tone in which he said everything was dull. And he kept staring at something on the wall, or whatever.

She rolled her eyes and held up the blanket as she joined him, on the other side of the couch, though.

After a while of silence and Lucifer, surprisingly, drinking his tea without complaining, Chloe turned off her phone and turned her body so that she was facing him. For some reason, this was nice. Just quietness, but not weirdly nor awkwardly. She hoped he was feeling a little better. She’d listened to his breathing and she noticed it became more even. She didn’t see him struggling to have control over his breath anymore. So maybe that was already something less to worry about. Was he slowly gaining himself back or was she cheering way too early?

His eyes were searching, that desperate look not leaving his face, but at least he wasn’t staring at anything anymore. He was looking around the room, but she noticed he wasn’t looking at something in the room itself; his mind still seemed to be stuck in this place, that he, in the last hour, couldn’t seem to get out of. And it was probably already going on since she’d left the penthouse yesterday.

‘’Do you need anything else?’’ she asked him.

When he turned his head he whispered, ‘’it won’t stop, Detective.’’

His breathing immediately got shaky again and he seemed incredibly tense.

Chloe blinked a few times trying to make sense of what he had said.

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’The voices.’’

He looked down and closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply and opened them again when he faced her she saw _him_ again. His pain was there again, not the emptiness that made him unrecognizable.

His eyes begged for help.

‘’They won’t bloody shut up.’’

-

If Chloe was fair she was glad he was saying at least something. But she just didn’t know for shit what to do with this. She knew it was comforting to even be with him, but of course, she had to react now. She had to help him, with actual words this time. No tea, no blankets.

She decided to just keep asking questions. That way the conversation wouldn’t die and he, hopefully, would start to open up more and more about the situation.

‘’What voices?’’

‘’I- I don’t know,’’ he replied gloomily.

She got closer to him, just enough so that she could put her hand on his. When his expressions went blank again he withdrew his hand from hers. Chloe sucked in a breath. What was she doing wrong? Obviously she didn't have Linda’s expertise in the field of psychology and the mind, but she still wanted to try her hardest to help him.

‘’I don’t know what voices. I don’t even know why they’re… _there_. But what I do know is that they simply continue to yell. It’s constant. They won’t give me a damn break and it confuses me. And I’m terrified because I can’t escape.’’

Should she keep asking questions or just wait for him to talk again?

‘’Since what happened on the beach they entered my head and they’re present all the time. Even if I try to distract myself. They eat me alive, Detective. This isn’t me. I didn’t even go to my club yesterday night! I decided to take a glass of water! And _then_ I-‘’

He looked at her and ran his hands through his hair, messing it up even more.

‘’Then I let you down.’’

Lucifer’s eyes started to water. He chuckled painfully.

‘’What am I even doing here?’’

Chloe got closer. Now she sat directly next to him, and she felt the heat of his body radiating against hers. Her hands pulled his out of his hair so she could look at him and placed them on his legs. Then she softly wiped his tears away.

‘’You know you don’t have to feel embarrassed, or exposed, to be here.’’

‘’Well, I do. It makes it worse now that you’re wiping my bloody tears away.’’

‘’It didn’t seem like you were going to do that yourself. That’s why you’re here, Lucifer. I want to take care of you, okay? Right now you don’t have to think about _what_ you’re doing here. The point is you’re not doing anything. You have to rest. Think about _why_ you’re here.’’

‘’So I’m here because I’m far more than a grown man and I can’t take care of myself, now you have to do it?’’

She shook her head.

‘’Lucifer, you’re here because I’m your _friend_ and I want to take care of you. I easily could’ve let you do it yourself. But _I_ chose to. You don’t have to do anything, you’ve got plenty on your mind right now. And I still don’t know what that is exactly, but it seems like you don’t know yourself, which is something I don’t blame you for. And I’m sorry if I can’t help you with the… the voices. I’m so sor-‘’

She got interrupted by Lucifer who put his index finger on her lips, shutting her up.

For some reason, it was still hard for him to look at her.

‘’Don’t you dare apologize. When I know what is going on myself then I will…‘’

He sighed deeply.

‘’To be honest, I don’t know what I would do.’’

He scratched his stubble and fixed his cufflinks. Then he turned his face away from her and it was quiet for a short moment. She heard him inhale and she saw him struggling to say something. It seemed like he wanted to make sense of something he had just realized.

‘’What is it?’’

‘’What I do know is that the voices are quiet now.’’

-

He was finally asleep. Chloe had offered him to lay his head down on her lap when she noticed he started to yawn. Of course, he had to be tired. After he told her the voices were quiet he hadn’t said anything else. He’d just smiled after that sentence. A small, but genuine smile. Then he yawned and Chloe immediately suggested for him to lay down.

He’d scoffed but gave in to his tiredness nonetheless.

She was running her fingers through his hair and it seemed like he drifted off to a peaceful sleep. When she thought about this whole conversation she was still confused. He hadn’t given much away. But it was a step, at least. And she was proud of him. The whole ‘’voices’’ part was still vague to her, but she just had to be patient. The end of the conversation was all that mattered. They were quiet, apparently. Was it because of her? He said he tried to distract himself but that didn’t work. So why now?

She didn’t want him to go home at all. Not now he was finally resting.

After half an hour she carefully stood up. She tucked him in with the soft pink blanket. Could he even sleep with that tight suit on?

When she stood next to the couch and looked at him she couldn’t help but smile widely. Again, the thought of him being her friend was funny to her. Here she was, tucking the ‘’Devil’’ in because he’d been on the beach at 11pm complaining about voices. Their bond was, let’s say, unique. Sure, she had friends over the years, but he was different. He had always been different. He was special.

-

She woke up from noises downstairs. Because she was still half asleep she couldn’t make sense of what it was. The noises grew to be louder, and she pulled the pillow over her head. When she heard someone breathing heavily she opened her eyes and shrugged off her pillow. What the hell?

She looked next to her bed and saw a vague figure she remembered. Lucifer silhouette was there. Was it morning already?

What a weird way to wake someone.

When she looked at the clock and it read ‘’2:42am’’ her eyes widened.

Then she looked up again and met her eyes with Lucifer’s. Now they spoke a _million_ words.

‘’Please, Chloe. Make it stop.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i'll be working on my next chapter... you won't be ready ;)


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